I just wanted to send an open letter from an open heart…
Dear one,
I saw you today and you saw me. I had just begun to raise my hand and greet you with a sincere smile and my heart-felt delight at seeing you again when you turned your head to avoid me and hurriedly walked the opposite direction. Well, that hurt!
So, I first stopped and wondered about what is wrong with me that people I loved and still love, people for whom I lay awaken at night thinking about, people for whom I have lain across the ottoman in the living room and wept for their destinies – they walk away and work so hard as you did today at avoiding me.
Then, I grow up and wise up and remember that people make decisions, that Jesus had experiences like these that didn’t mean His leadership was inadequate. I realize something other than the personal, relationship level is at work. Not that I’m perfect or not at fault in some way for the disconnect, but that Jesus designed our assignments to fuction in spite of the imperfections in both of us. I realize that your behavior reveals something much deeper, some deep hurt or fear, some overreaction that has become a limiting factor.
Then, I turn to God and ask, “Why do I still pray for them? Why do I still receive prophetic dreams and revelations about their destinies about which I can do nothing else but pray? Why does this process keep the hurts available? Why don’t You just let their next leaders or someone else pick up the burden of The Lord for them?” It isn’t a complaint as much as an honest question because I wonder if should have dismissed them and moved on as well. Am I hanging onto something should have let go? But if so, why do I not dream or pray for some others who walked away from my leadership as if they were never even there. Why do I feel released from them but not released from you?
I know someone would counsel me to get over it. I am over it in the sense of taking it personal, being wounded or unforgiving; but, I’m not over it in terms of waiting like a father for prodigals to come home. I wonder if this means we are supposed to reconcile, that God’s initial assignment hasn’t been altered in His mind. Fair question, right? Certainly, there are some relationships that were broken that God still wants reconciled. Is that how it is with us?
Got any idea who a spiritual father could talk to about this? (I’m laughing at myself.) Most people would provide me some interesting human wisdom in this scenario that would be so foreign to the spiritual reality of kingdom that I would have to relinquish all I know about being a kingdom leader to receive it. I don’t expect to be understood on that level, in other words.
Another spiritual daughter told me recently that the days she spent with me as a spiritual father were the best days of her life and ministry. She didn’t know how to get that back, that it seemed to be lost forever. I don’t know if that’s true with you or not, but I think about it the same way any father would think about spiritual children.
People understand this on a natural level, feeling this way about their natural children. People would shrug and think, “Of course, you feel that way. They are your kids.” But, so few get close to understanding what that means in a spiritual parenting sense.
